Living On

By Greta Morgenweck

I remember it all too well, but now I don’t know where to start; I guess from the moment we met. I saw him across the crowded coffee shop wearing a Carhartt vest over a loose black sweatshirt and carpenter jeans. He had straight black hair that covered the acne on his forehead. “Just my type,” I thought. I didn’t think much of a cute boy I saw once because obviously there were many so far in my second year of college. I looked back down to reading Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Not one for romances or horror stories, I look up once again to watch this boy grab his drink and leave. I check my watch. Twelve-fifty-two; guess it is time I head to my 1:15 p.m. class.  

It was autumn. I usually parked where I could find a spot because this coffee place was the study spot in town. My blue 2006 Toyota RAV4 sat near the back. I shook my keys out of my pocket to unlock the door and immediately started my car. The heat pushed through the vents from the highest setting it was on two hours ago when I drove there. On my way to campus, I drove downtown, passing murals on the rustic brick buildings along with yoga studios, cafes, bookstores, and bike shops. Mountains surround this little town sitting on the edge of the Canadian border. 'Reduce, reuse, recycle’ bumper stickers were on almost every car surrounding me. 

I pulled into the campus’ student parking at 1:05. I turned around, grabbed my backpack from the back seat, and pulled it up into the passenger seat. Turning off my car and placing my keys into the front pocket, I grabbed one AirPod from the case and slid it into my ear. Attempting to not slip on the ice-covered sidewalks, Mac Demarco’s sweet tunes rang through my ear. I stepped into the lecture hall. I walked to the back row and sat in my usual seat. 

“Good afternoon, class.” Professor Smith said. “Today we will be continuing our analysis of the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass by Frederick Douglass.”

“Miss Davis, could you begin by summarizing the reading from last night?”

  Oh crap. Does he really think I read the whole ninety-eight pages last night?

“Umm yes-”

The door opened and a young boy walked in.

Oh my god, that’s the guy from the coffee shop.

“Can I help you sir?” Professor Smith asks.

“Yeah, is this, uh, reading and research writing fundamentals?”

“Indeed it is. Take a seat, young man.” 

He walked to the back of my row and sat a few seats away from me. The chairs in between us were empty. 

“Yes, where was I?” Professor Smith says and goes on to write a summary of the chapters we were supposed to read last night on the whiteboard. 

Thank God.

“Hey. I just transferred here from Michigan,” whispered the boy over the three empty seats in between us.

“Oh, cool. I can catch you up on the material.” I whisper back. “What’s your name?” 

“Josh. what's yours?”

“Margaret. Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” he said with his soft voice as he looked back to the front of the class.

Never thought I’d see that guy again. Weird. 

After all my classes, I went home. I squeezed into a parking spot between two big trucks and proceeded to walk up two flights of stairs outside to get to my apartment 203b. I walked into the smell of pumpkin spice, Chloe—my roommate—and I’s favorite fall smell. 

“ Heyyyyy, Maragaret! How was your day?” Chloe yelled as I hung up my coat.

“ It was good. I saw this guy when I was reading at the coffee shop, and he showed up in my literature class. He transferred from Michigan, I guess.”

“Oh, was he hot?”

“Ha, ha, sure he was attractive,” I said, walking to my room. 

Chloe was sitting on the couch binge-watching Gossip Girl as usual for her. She had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She usually waited in the evening, but she had the night off. I went to my room to read and relax for the night. 

I sat on the stool at my vanity and brushed through my silky brown hair as I looked in the mirror at my blue eyes with green sparks through the iris. I wrapped my hair in heatless curlers and blew out my candle. My bed had silky sheets and a thick comforter covering the top. I stepped over and flipped open the blankets as I slipped comfortably into the bed. I set my alarm for seven in the morning and fell into my dreams. 

The next day I went to my same class, and Josh sat right next to me this time. 

“Hey can I get your number for help on the assignments?” Josh asked right as the class ended.

“Yes of course.” I excitedly said as I wrote it down on my notebook paper for him. 

After the class, I got into my car, and my phone lit up.

Josh: Hey it’s Josh. Had to make an excuse to get your number ;)

Margaret: Haha smooth.

We continued to talk for the night and planned a date in two days on Friday night. 

Friday night came along and we met up at the fountain at the end of downtown. As I looked down the street, the Christmas lights were strung across to the other buildings. I sat on the edge of the fountain and waited for Josh. 

A finger tapped my shoulder, and I turned around to see Josh’s award-winning smile. He has a bouquet of pink roses with lilies. 

As he handed me the flowers, he said, “I thought you’d like these.”

“I do, thank you,” I said as I grabbed the bouquet. 

From there we headed to an Italian restaurant for dinner. We talked the whole time without any lingering silence. 

“Have you ever been in love?” Josh asked.

“No, I don’t think so, I just haven’t really dated or met anyone that made me feel that way. I am only twenty, too.”

“Right. Me too, just haven’t met that person, until maybe now.” 

I tried to hide my smile, but I couldn't. My heart beat faster as we gazed into each other’s eyes, but the waiter interrupted with, “Can I get you guys anything else?” 

“Just the check. Thank you,” Josh replied.

We paid and then left, it was ten at night and the town was shut down. 

“Can I dance with you?” Josh asked, holding out his hand. 

I smirked and grabbed his hand. We begin to dance to only the sound of crickets chirping. 

I once again stared into his dark brown eyes with so much behind them. I think he is the most beautiful person I have ever met, and we were only strangers until a week ago. My mind rushed with thoughts of how I could prevent what I was feeling. I tried to find an excuse for the reason my heart was pounding and my stomach was in knots, but maybe it was just what I thought it was, love. Even though I barely knew him and it was all so impractical, maybe I did sort of know him.

Josh spun me around and pulled me towards him. He lifted my chin with his index finger and kissed me. 

This was our first date; this was the start of something we never got to finish. 

Over the next couple of months, we grew in love and began our relationship. We traveled to his family in Michigan and gathered with mine in Montana. We moved in together going into our junior year of college. We had been dating for almost a year.

“Josh, do we really need all of these vases from your mom?” I asked while cleaning out our cupboards.

“No, we can get rid of some of those.” 

I compiled these vases that haven’t been used in years into a cardboard box. 

“Okay, I’m off to work. See you tonight,” Josh said as he kissed me on his way out the door.

“See you later. Love you.”

“I love you too,” he said as he pulled the door shut. 

Closing the cupboard, I turned around and sat on the couch. 

Knock, knock.

“Come in Chloe.”

“Ha, ha, how’d you know it was me?” Chloe asked, walking in and taking her shoes off.

“You always come over on Saturday mornings.”

“It is the only time we get to talk now since you are basically married.”

“Mmm not yet, hopefully soon.” 

“I hope so too, jeez,” Chloe said anxiously. “Oh my gosh, I have been so emotional this week from my period. I couldn’t handle a proposal.” 

When did I last get my period?

“ Hello Margaret? You okay?”

“ Um, yeah. I just can’t remember when I had my period last.”

“Oh no girl, you gotta take a test.” 

Chloe and I grabbed my keys and ran to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. 

Right when we walked through the door back home, I ran to the bathroom. 

“Oh my gosh, my hands are shaking. We have never talked about kids, we aren’t even married yet.”

“That’s okay we don’t even know if you are yet, but would it be so bad? You and Josh are so in love and maybe it is a little out of order, but it was all going to happen eventually, right?” Choe said outside the bathroom talking to me from the hallway. 

“Yeah, I guess so. This wouldn’t be so bad,” I said with a smile thinking of the family we could be starting. 

I set the stick on the counter and set a timer for two minutes on my phone.

“Okay, now we wait,” I say to Chloe. 

Chloe gives me a big hug and whispers, “It will all work out, it always does.”

The timer goes off. My hands were shaking as I flipped over the test to see a plus sign. My hand went over my mouth.

  “Chloe,” I said, showing her.

“ Oh my god, Margaret! You’re gonna have a baby.” 

My eyes filled with water as I looked at Chloe. She hugged me and everything felt right. 

  Maybe this was just how it was supposed to happen, I thought.

“How are you going to tell Josh?”

“We are meeting for dinner tonight when he gets off, so I will be there I guess.” 

“Yes! This is so exciting. I am sure he will freak out a bit at first but then come to terms with it,” Chloe said. 

“ I agree.”

I anxiously waited for the clock to turn to five all day. I went into my room to get ready at around four-ish and picked out a loose short black dress that Josh loves. I slid on my three-strap Birkenstocks to go with my dress. I threw my purse strap over my shoulder and grabbed my lipstick to put on in front of the mirror right before the doorway. The glossy pink lipstick made my lips pop and shine. My thumb drug under my lower lip to get rid of the residue. 

All ready.

My phone began to ring as I walked to the door.

I swiped left to answer and said, “ Hello?” 

“Is this Margaret Davis?” A woman on the other end of the phone asked.

“Yes, who is this?”

“I am Dr. Johnson. This call is regarding Josh Harvey. He was in a car accident.”

I turn around to see two policemen standing outside my doorway with their hats off. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Where is he? This can’t be happening.” 

I felt my knees go weak and I fell to the floor. My heart grew heavy and my stomach sank. My vision turned blurry. I looked down to see my hands to make sure I was still alive. Unfortunately, I was. 

“Ma’am, try to remain calm. Mr. Harvey is at the hospital. The mortician is taking him to the morgue there for now,” One policeman said as he bent down and had his hands on my shoulder.

My breath moved fast and my eyes began to close. 

I opened my eyes to my mom, rubbing my face. 

“Mom?”

She sat on the side of my bed with a woeful look on her face.

“Oh honey it is going to be okay. Do you remember anything?” 

“Yes,” I said as my voice cracked and I pulled my hands to my face to cover my eyes. I began to cry in a way I never had before. A way that made my heart ache for days after and left me restless.

“It’s not fair mom.” 

“No, it is not.” My mom said while wrapping her arms around me.

After a few minutes, Mom spoke.

“Let’s put some different clothes on.”

I looked down at the dress, then to the clock. 1:54 a.m. My mom lifted my hands to pull me up. I lifted my head and walked to the door. My dad stood in the hall.

“Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.” My dad said as he pulled me in. “Josh’s parents and sisters will be here tomorrow evening. They are flying in and I will pick them up from the airport.”

My heart sank even more than I ever knew it could. 

This can not be real. This can not be real. This can not be real.

“I need to go to sleep,” I said.

“Okay of course we will stay in the guest bedroom.”

I went back into my room and slid down my dress. A tear drips off my cheek onto the ground. I lay down and closed my eyes with a deep breath. I replay our conversation on his way out to work this morning. Did I say I love you? Did we kiss? I thought I did but I can’t remember now. 

I opened my eyes and walked through my house. I grabbed the vacuum and started cleaning the floors. Next, the counters need to be wiped down. The piano needed to be dusted. The dishwasher needed to be emptied. My laundry needed to be washed. I searched for anything to clean in the house. Suddenly my alarm went off at 7:00. I set the swiffer against the wall and walked to my phone to turn it off. 

I heard the door open and Chloe was running around the corner to wrap her arms around me. 

“I am so sorry.” She said,

My parents walked out of the guest bedroom and said, “let’s get dressed.”

Chloe took me to my room and she picked out a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I took off my pajamas and put them on. I went to the bathroom alone. I looked down at my hands and up to the mirror that had already been covered by my mom. Probably good. I’m sure my eyes are swollen. 

I breathed in for four and out for four. Okay, let’s go. 

I walked out and my mom said, “ Do you want to go see him today?”

“Yes,” I replied almost instantly. 

Chloe and my parents drove me to the mortuary they moved him to from the hospital. Right as we walk in there is a smell of chemical-like odors and soft piano music playing in the background. 

“Can she see him now?” My mom asked the mortician who is around six feet tall and is wearing casual business clothes. His family photo is on the wall of him and his wife with their kids at a baseball game. If you saw him on the street, nobody would know he has the most depressing job on this Earth. 

He had a sorrowful look on his face I will never forget. Even though he sees people in shambles every day he still manages to not be desensitized to this stuff. 

“Yes,” he said. 

I had Josh’s favorite blanket in my hands as I walked around the corner to see his body lying in a brown casket. I was shocked he looked the way he did. Lifeless. I realized why humans are not supposed to see each other dead. It all became reality. I cautiously stepped closer to the side of the casket. His skin was pale and his hands were intertwined lying across his stomach. I touched his hands, but they were ice cold and hard. I placed the blanket over him because he hates to be cold. 

Please wake up. 

He looked peaceful, but not himself. I could see the chemicals injected to make his cheeks red and the glue keeping his lips closed. Although his eyes were shut, all I could see was his big brown eyes staring back at me. 

“I love you,” I whispered as I kissed his forehead. 

We arranged a funeral in Montana three days later. His parents wanted to bury him and I agreed. 

Then we stood above his grave looking down on his casket being lowered six feet deep. I fell down to my knees and grabbed the silver edging of the casket right before they began lowering it. I wiped my tears off my cheek and pulled myself up. My mom held my arm while we watched. Josh’s parents, his sisters, and I each grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it into the grave. 

After the service, there was a repast at the Catholic Church. I finally pulled away from the line of hugs and grievances to talk to my mom. 

“Mom, I need to tell you something?”

“What is it, honey?”

“... I’m pregnant.”

She stood there in a look of disbelief.

“I don’t even know what to say. Do you want to take care of it?” She asked.

“I think I have decided to keep it,” I said as if I had thought about it, but I hadn’t. I just then knew. 

“Who else knows?” 

“Chloe, but that’s it.”

“Okay. When you are ready, we should tell Josh’s parents and his sisters.” 

“Yes, you are right. Not today.”

After the gathering, we all went our separate ways home. Josh’s parents came over and picked out things of his they wanted to take home.

“Let's get breakfast in the morning before we leave.” Josh’s mom said as she grabbed one of his shirts. 

“Okay.”

The next morning we met at a local cafe downtown. We sat and had coffee and didn’t order food because none of us had really any appetite. 

“I have to tell you guys something important,” I said.

“Okay.” His dad says as his mom nods along.

“I am pregnant.” 

Smiles appeared over their faces and their eyes filled with water. 

“Oh my gosh!” His mom said and stood up to hug me. 

They both exclaimed their happiness and said we would keep in touch and they would help with the baby after. I drove them to the airport, and their parents went on the plane with hope in their hearts back to Michigan. 

Over the next seven months, my stomach grew. Although I cried every day, I looked down to remember why I was doing this and had to keep going.

Josh now lives through me and onto our child.